Dating without tears

As I was sitting on Her Majesty's Throne (read: toilet bowl) yesterday, I read this interesting column entitled "Dating Without Tears" in The Star Metro Classifieds. The first thing I intuitively did as I went through the bullet points (which I have reproduced here ad verbatim) was to perform a mental check on how many I had followed or fumbled with:

• The best way to ask a girl out is in person. If that is not possible due to lack of opportunity or because you aren't confident enough, your best alternative would be over the phone.

I admit it: I am a shy guy. I have always had problems asking a girl out in person. Especially if it is a girl I am really fond of. I get the shivers. Yes, the phone definitely helps.

• Make sure you are well groomed. And of course check your breath beforehand!

Now, I may have crappy fashion sense, but when it comes to grooming up before a date, I think I do pretty alright. And I also make a mental note when a girl passes subtle hints about what kind of clothes suit me (and what kind don't!), so that I know what shirts and trousers to avoid like a plague on the subsequent dates (if there even are any!). And there is, of course, my sacred bottle of Tommy Hilfiger aftershave that I use only on dates. As for the breath part, I normally go through two bottles of Listerine before leaving the house, so I generally smell like a mint production plant throughout the date.

• If the girl says no, don't take it personally. Continue the conversation for a little longer, say it was nice talking to her and walk away.

Oh, this is one that took a lot of working for me. I used to feel so dejected from rejections. I would go home with my tail between my legs, and bang my head against the wall wondering if if was my hair, breath or bad sense of humour that cheesed her off. After a decade of rejections, I think I am handling it much better now.

• The fact that you took her rejection well may even pique her interest. If she isn't a stranger make more of an effort to get to know her. She may grow to like you and you may get another opportunity to ask her out.

This one remains to be seen. I have yet to have an angry customer return to my front door.

• If she says she was busy to your first offer and you get a similar response to your second date option accept it as a rejection and move on. She is probably trying to be nice.

Oh, yes... this sounds so darn familiar. Practically right out of a textbook.

• Think of subjects to discuss on the date in advance. Good ideas include stores about you, things you want to know about her, family and common interests.

Herein lies the problem. Once I get going with my lucidity, my weird sense of humour and uncontrolled hand gestures start kicking in. Some find it downright musing. Others feel the need to escape this raving lunatic.

• Do not ask a girl out over e-mail or by instant message.

Oh, God... now I know the reason for my 99.9% failure rate.

• Don't worry about small breaks in conversation as that's normal. But if it lasts an excessive amount of time, or she is giving you non-verbal queues that she wants out of the conversation, then politely end it.

This is usually a one-or-zero thing. Either we talk so much that the restaurant owner has to throw us out the back door, or we spend the full hour or two at the diner staring at the floor and counting the number of floor tiles. Fortunately for me, the latter only happened once... a long time ago.